Dating again isn’t like it was the first time. To be honest, sometimes, it’s not even fun. There are eight questions to ask yourself and to answer honestly before you dive in. Read my previous blog for questions #1-4. Here are questions #5-8.
- What kind of break up did I have? A “slow leak” or a “2 x 4”?
Slow Leak divorces drain your endurance and your energy for navigating a new relationship. While 2 x 4 divorces hit your hard all at once. Focus is difficult on anything other than getting rid of the sharp pain. Read here for more about the two different kinds of divorces and how they affect you.
- How old am I emotionally?
Even the most emotionally mature adults can be set back by the trauma of divorce. Take a look at this scale from Peter Scazzero’s book called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”. Determine where you fall right now. Be honest with yourself. And get a plan to grow in this area. Counseling, books, and honest friends are tremendous tools on your road to becoming emotionally mature. If you are emotionally immature, you are likely to attract someone at that same level…or younger. Yikes! If you’re emotionally mature or maturing, you’ll recognize a child and spot a mismatch early on in your relationship. It’ll be easier to step away even if you’re attracted to them.
- Am I ready for a heartache? Can I break someone’s heart?
Oh sure, it sounds fun to go to a romantic dinner and a movie…walk arm in arm as you window shop. But part of dating is getting your heart broken and/or breaking someone’s heart. It’s a part of the process you MUST go through in order to find the one that you want to share the rest of your life with. But after having come through a difficult divorce, these second, third and fourth heartbreaks can really put you in the tank and cause you to start questioning everything about yourself. And worse, start to question what God has planned for you. Regain your footing with God so that the heartbreaks have the proper perspective in your life as a whole.
- What are my biggest fears?
Are you afraid your kids will grow up without a dad in the house? Are you afraid you won’t make it financially? Are you afraid you will never, ever have sex again for your entire life? Those are just a few of the things I was afraid of. Write those fears down. Be very aware of your fears, but don’t let them drive your dating life. And certainly don’t let them drive a decision to marry someone just because he or she will take away your biggest fears.
- Can I afford the distraction of dating?
Dating is a huge distraction on life. It’s hard to focus and juggle things – especially if you are a single parent. You’ve got to take a good, high level look at your life to decide if you can afford to focus on “one more thing.” Are you trying to get your career off the ground? Getting some more education? Are you trying to help your kids through a difficult time? Are you trying to get on top of a health situation? Get your finances settled? Think about it and start tackling the more important things in life before you get distracted with dating.
Dating Again requires eyes wide open – not just to the people you’re dating, but also to who you really are and where you’re at in life. Give it time. Give it prayer. Pray that God heals your wounds, makes you more self-aware, and gives you courage to face truths.
For my previous blog post of questions #1-4, click here.
Rear View Mirror 